I decided to write about my experiences with autism. So people can see through my eyes and hear through my ear with the words that I write. I would like to notify in advance that I am not pointing any fingers at anyone.
A part of dealing with my condition is poor social skills. I do not have a innate understanding of socialization. It is a skill and not a innate ability. Being social to me is as mentally taxing as learning advanced mathematics or computer programming is to a neurotypical. And just as taxing to keep sharp and continue to do. Neurotypicals have the ability to adapt to social situations innately, like a skilled fighter innately reacts to attacks thrown at them.
Why yes, that is the situation. No matter how much I practice being social, it will never become innate. I will never completly get it. I can learn and mimic it well enough, but as soon as a new situation arrives, I will be thrown back to square one. I completely lack the ability to read non verbal language and am unable to regulate my own with the grace and skill of the average neurotypical. I have been told I am scowling or frowning, when in fact I am quite happy. My physical ability is very much hindered and crippled compared to the much more physically adept neurotypical.
I am clumsy, uncordinated, poor depth perception and a poor body awareness. Body awareness is one's innate ability to detect where one's body is in space. This combined with being clumsy and low muscle tone, causes many accidents and injuries. I have dislocated both shoulders at the same time when I tripped and fell while playing as a child. Many neurotypicals assume that I am doing this for attention. I do not like looking like a damn fool.
Unwritten rules are another annoyance. I do not know these things often until someone is bitching at me about them. Like I said earlier. I cannot detect non-verbal language, even if I try hard to learn how to. If I by some miracle do discover a verbal que, I will not remember it all the time. It's a skill for me, not innate. This one gets me in the most trouble. By not having the ability to detect these things, I often get into issues with people who think that I offend them intentionally. And they assume that I am a asshole and don't care about others or that I do it for shits and giggles.
When I do try to explain some of the mysteries of the autism spectrum, neurotypicals often assume that I'm mentally retarded. They tell me to become more neurotypical. Become more social. The irony is that while they tell me this, they exclude me from their social activities and then bitch at me some more for not being social. They tell me I'm not trying, while at the same time I am rebuked and scolded for trying to be social with them. Claims of being too clingy and too crowding are common.
I all too often get told by someone who is a "friend" or "family" that they don't need to deal with me. They can find someone as nice and kind as I am without the problems. I am not good enough of a human being for these people.
People often bitch at me for being mopey. I am mopey because it seems that neurotypical people are never happy with my behavior and they never understand. They claim to get it but they don't. I am depressed because it feels like the more people I'm around, the more alone I am. They do not understand how it is to be near a group of people who do not see you, they do not see how going out to socialize and never inviting you to come along with them would hurt. They do not see how them rebuking you for asking to hang out with them would hurt. They do not see how them telling you that you are a freak, retard, or mental reject would hurt. They do not see how badly they hurt you until you are hanging from a rope or inside a pine box.
This has been my life, my entire life. It's a repitition that I do not care to continue. I can manage my uniqe brain function, but I cannot become normal. This is normal to me. I can respect your boundries and be considerate to you. But if you require me to become normal, then you should find that version of me out there that isn't me.
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