The Advent of Excellence: Being Autistic and Dealing with Neurotypical peopl...

The Advent of Excellence: Being Autistic and Dealing with Neurotypical peopl...: I decided to write about my experiences with autism. So people can see through my eyes and hear through my ear with the words that I writ...

Being Autistic and Dealing with Neurotypical people who don't understand

I decided to write about  my experiences with autism. So people can see through my eyes and hear through my ear with the words that I write. I would like to notify in advance that I am not pointing any fingers at anyone.

A part of dealing with my condition is poor social skills. I do not have a innate understanding of socialization. It is a skill and not a innate ability. Being social to me is as mentally taxing as learning advanced mathematics or computer programming is to a neurotypical. And just as taxing to keep sharp and continue to do. Neurotypicals have the ability to adapt to social situations innately, like a skilled fighter innately reacts to attacks thrown at them. 

Why yes, that is the situation. No matter how much I practice being social, it will never become innate. I will never completly get it. I can learn and mimic it well enough, but as soon as a new situation arrives, I will be thrown back to square one. I completely lack the ability to read non verbal language and am unable to regulate my own with the grace and skill of the average neurotypical.  I have been told I am scowling or frowning, when in fact I am quite happy. My physical ability is very much hindered and crippled compared to the much more physically adept neurotypical.

I am clumsy, uncordinated, poor depth perception and a poor body awareness. Body awareness is one's innate ability to detect where one's body is in space. This combined with being clumsy and low muscle tone, causes many accidents and injuries. I have dislocated both shoulders at the same time when I tripped and fell while playing as a child. Many neurotypicals assume that I am doing this for attention. I do not like looking like a damn fool.

 Unwritten rules are another annoyance. I do not know these things often until someone is bitching at me about them. Like I said earlier. I cannot detect non-verbal language, even if I try hard to learn how to. If I by some miracle do discover a verbal que, I will not remember it all the time. It's a skill for me, not innate. This one gets me in the most trouble. By not having the ability to detect these things,  I often get into issues with people who think that I offend them intentionally. And they assume that I am a asshole and don't care about others or that I do it for shits and giggles.

When I do try to explain some of the mysteries of the autism spectrum, neurotypicals often assume that I'm mentally retarded. They tell me to become more neurotypical. Become more social. The irony is that while they tell me this, they exclude me from their social activities and then bitch at me some more for not being social. They tell me I'm not trying, while at the same time I am rebuked and scolded for trying to be social with them. Claims of being too clingy and too crowding are common.

I all too often get told by someone who is a "friend" or "family" that they don't need to deal with me. They can find someone as nice and kind as I am without the problems. I am not good enough of a human being for these people.

People often bitch at me for being mopey. I am mopey because it seems that neurotypical people are never happy with my behavior and they never understand. They claim to get it but they don't. I am depressed because it feels like the more people I'm around, the more alone I am. They do not understand how it is to be near a group of people who do not see you, they do not see how going out to socialize and never inviting you to come along with them would hurt. They do not see how them rebuking you for asking to hang out with them would hurt. They do not see how them telling you that you are a freak, retard, or mental reject would hurt. They do not see how badly they hurt you until you are hanging from a rope or inside a pine box.

This has been my life, my entire life. It's a repitition that I do not care to continue. I can manage my uniqe brain function, but I cannot become normal. This is normal to me. I can respect your boundries and be considerate to you. But if you require me to become normal, then you should find that version of me out there that isn't me.

The Advent of Excellence: LGBT Parents

The Advent of Excellence: LGBT Parents: When a LGBT person proclaims that LGBT people cannot be good parents because their kids would be ridiculed because of their parents. I see...

LGBT Parents

When a LGBT person proclaims that LGBT people cannot be good parents because their kids would be ridiculed because of their parents. I seethe with anger.

I used to be that fucking moron.

Change has to start somewhere. This kind of dismissive attitude is harming more than helping. Kids are cruel, evil little bastards. And guess what! Kids will always find a way to be cruel. If it isn't gay parents, it's clothes. If it isn't clothes, it's religion. If it isn't religion, it's economic status. If it isn't that, it's something else. Kids will always be cruel, and children need to be taught to stand up and be themselves, or else be crushed by angry, ignorant, bitter people. Fuck that shit.

My kids will be strong and they will be brilliant. Not puppets of ignorant society

The Advent of Excellence: My opinion why everyone needs a Kamina in their li...

The Advent of Excellence: My opinion why everyone needs a Kamina in their li...: "I watched Tegen Toppa Gurren Lagann a few months ago. It involves the story of Simon The Digger and his big bro Kamina. Simon had a crap ass..."

My opinion why everyone needs a Kamina in their life.

I watched Tegen Toppa Gurren Lagann a few months ago. It involves the story of Simon The Digger and his big bro Kamina. Simon had a crap ass self esteem, but Kamina always slapped, sometimes punched him out of that funk and let him know that believes in Simon. But Kamina showed Simon most importantly, Simon should believe in himself.

The world would be 100% better if we all had a Kamina in their life. Someone to cheer for us and let us know that we have worth. Someone who will never let us dwell in negativity. Someone who will assist us in piercing the heavens

I've had a few Kaminas in my life recently, and armies of anti spirals. I've nearly went darkside many times in my life, but the Kaminas in my life believed in me, as I believed in them, and we helped each other believe in ourselves.

My greatest Kaminas are....

Shulamit Asher/Heroic Muse : A stern hardcase of a friend. All business. But is still very caring. Muse would never let me beat myself up in hir's presence. Since Muse is a aspie like myself, hir has a good idea of my issues since muse has experienced them and conquered them.  Muse also refused totally to listen to me whine. At first I thought Muse was being mean and gotten tired of me, but I realized that Muse was just trying to keep me from beating myself up and turning into a mass of negativity. All in all, Muse fulfills that Big bro/Mentor role nicely

Ask A Bisexual Guy: Represents the totally awesome/cheerleader roll. Hell, he's like a Kamina that swings both ways. He has always pushed me to do better and reach for the sun. No one knows bi guy's identity, he's more of a ideal and a aspect than a person, like Kamina. Only that Kamina does not swing both ways, and I totally wish that he did.

Hadassah D.G. Chayim: Generally ultra kind person who I may or may not have a crush on. Gavi represents that positive aura that everyone needs in their life. Talking to Gavi makes everyone feel a bit better or a whole lot better. She's just a extremely likable person that is like a ray of sunshine in anyone's cloudy day. She often reminds me that the journey of life isn't a race and that it's not a competition.

Zoe Kincaid: Has a mix of Kamina traits. Blunt as a brick to the face, and snarky. But she's a diehard friend who gives much needed support. She's like that sister that I wish I had but never will.

There are more, but I have to keep it short. Otherwise I'll be writing all day

Beware the spark of the sage's light, for we are gifted with nature's sight. Beware our will and mental might, for we will fight to the end for what is right

The Advent of Powerful Emotions

Now that my life has calmed down and became peaceful, I have time to process my emotions. How I feel as a woman, the various emotions I feel from everyday life. Being on hormones will cause these emotions to flow more often and freely.

This isn't a bad thing tho. I spent my entire life holding in my emotions because they were not "acceptable". Now I can be myself. Express myself in any manner I feel I need to. This is one thing that all people need. Deep introspection and soul searching, so they can find the true self.

I have become less angry. My anger has taken a backseat to my love for people and my compassion. I love all life, even the people I cannot stomach. I love showing kindness and I love not giving in to negativity anymore

My emotional attachments have grown more powerful. There are some people I can say without a doubt, that I love. I care for them deeply and I will destroy any who hurt them. I care for them deeply and I consider them all family. Some of them I have romantic attachments to but I will not pursue it. If it happens, it will and if it doesn't then it's not meant to be. And I still love them like a family member either way.


I also want more, but not how I wanted more before. I want to explore and evolve. I want to become a child of the earth and become one with the entire earth. Learn how to love the whole world with my all. I feel for the first time in life that I am capable of loving the world and helping people without fail


Above all, all these emotions are positive and wholesome.

The Indigo Sage: The Closet Is Death

The Indigo Sage: The Closet Is Death: "My life was full of hesitation, ever since that fateful revelation. My existence was rife with misery and sorrow, the truth of my sexuality ..."

The Advent of Excellence: Freedom of Solitude

The Advent of Excellence: Freedom of Solitude: "A short while ago, I was morbidly afraid of being alone. In constant fear of being assaulted or robbed, scared of being alone. But since I..."

Freedom of Solitude

A short while ago, I was morbidly afraid of being alone. In constant fear of being assaulted or robbed, scared of being alone. But since I've been living in Baltimore, I have had a spark of freedom of solitude in my soul. I walk in the hoods and the ghettos with my head held high and not a worry in the world, because I am confident in my abilities and my capacity to survive.

People are puzzled at how easily I head out on my own and walk through a terrible neighborhood while holding hands and making out with a guy, they admire it and admit that they underestimate me. The truth is that I have been underestimating myself. I am much more capable than I have myself credit for.

I now know that I do not need people as badly as I once thought.  I am not as weak as I once believed. In fact, I am much stronger than the people I previously thought superior to myself. I can survive anything and I can do anything I put my mind to. 

This freedom is refreshing indeed. 

Baltimore Pride was Fucking Glorious!!!

The night started with me getting ready to head out to the Pride Block party. I was hesitant at first, thinking about all that could go wrong. But I had a few mixed drinks before I left home. My friend braided my hair so I would look neat while enjoying pride. I took a shower before I left and cleaned up, The drink I had caught up with me and I vomited, I was told I vomited blood, but I don't remember lol.

So I head to the bus stop and I miss the bus I needed to catch, so I had to wait for the next bus. A bus that was very late. I finially catch the bus and I ended up sitting next to some cute guy who happened to be a Towson Student. Me and him chatted and exchanged numbers. I got off the bus and I was depressed when I found out that I got there too late.

A guy asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was trying to attend my first pride and was angry that I missed it. The guy told me that pride has just begun, to go out and be free and finally be myself. So I walk into the crowds and see pride for myself. LGBT people of all shapes, sizes and colors are in the crowds. People who came from across the country to see baltimore pride.

I see people going into a nearby club and I follow suit. I experience my first gay bar. It was fucking glorious! Hot guys and girls enjoying themselves and being themselves, without worry from hatred. It was very liberating. Two older guys approach me because they could see how green I was. The tall black one buys me a rum and coke and we begin talking. I find out the black guy was from New Orleans and left Louisiana years ago for the same reason I left.

He and his partner leave to go on the stage to sing Karaoke. I sit in the corner and enjoy the show and sing since I have a bit of drink in me. I am then joined by four young guys, one in particular that has caught my eye. We start talking and he takes his shirt off and leans closer while talking. I then copped a couple of feels, the dude was fucking hot as hell. Gods he had a really nice ass, a nice smooth chest and a cute face.

So after some minutes of singing, groping and dry humping we go our seperate ways. I then head back to the entrance when another older gentleman starts chatting me up. He asks me if this was my first pride and finds it hard to believe that I never been to a club before. He leans in and kisses me, My first time kissing a dude. I actually enjoyed it.

I then continue outside, and meet a older transwoman. I flirt with her hardcore with my newfound self esteem and confidence. We talk, we flirted, exchanged kisses, grinded on each other and had a fun time. She gave me her number and I gave her mind. While we are talking, a very drunken straight girl starts to talk to us. We chat with her and she asks us questions about LGBT stuff and trans stuff specifically. 

After some charming dialogue, me and the older lady seperate and I go back into the club with the straight girl. She and I.......got to know each other better. I stuck with her to make sure no one took advantage of her. She buys me a couple of drinks even tho I asked her not to. We go and sit down and talk about stuff. I find out she's part of a group from Virgina and New York. She asks me to dance with her and we go to the Karaoke room, we start slow dancing and singing to each other. Having a great time. 

A romantic song came up and she leaned in and kissed me deeply, we locked lips and french kissed for three or four songs. We then sit back down and she started to get depressed. I consoled her as she told me she wrecked her father's car and had a boyfriend back at home. I talked her through the depression and agreed to just be friends from then on. 

To be continued

 

The Advent of Excellence: "A closed mouth doesn't get fed"

The Advent of Excellence: "A closed mouth doesn't get fed": "The old folks said this, and they had a point. We all need to become vocal in our concerns for our country, our world. For too long we have ..."

"A closed mouth doesn't get fed"

The old folks said this, and they had a point. We all need to become vocal in our concerns for our country, our world. For too long we have stayed silent and let the ones in power walk on us. We need to make them accountable. We need to make them do what they were elected to do.

The police need to protect and serve. Thy must be held accountable for every victim they fail to protect, every victim they neglected to protect. Every person they made a victim. They need to protect us, not harm us. They are hear to fucking serve us, not make us live in fear of them.

The politicians need to made to serve the American people. Not just the ones that agree with them. The two party system should be torn asunder and rebuilt. The two party system is a farce. Two sides of the same twisted coin. Their corruption and crimes should not be tolerated. They should be made accountable for their actions!!

The people. Us. You should all care for your fellow human. Being selfish assholes will bite this country in it's collective ass. I tire of apathetic selfish assholes walk over the corspes of their neighbor to get head. I'm tired of losers not willing to work for what they want and pull people down. I tire of the assholes at the top always trying to keep other people down. 

We all deserve to see the mountaintop, not just you elite. We all deserved to prospher, not just the fat cats and theoligarchy.

No one deserves to starve. No one deserves to die from illness that could easily be prevented by people not being selfish assholes. No one deserved to be abandoned.

We all deserve to be free. Open your mouth people. Tell the world you won't take this bullshit. The governments need to know that if they continue being greedy, we will bite and snatch the fucking plate

The Advent of Excellence: Get the fuck off our planet, you fucking assholes

The Advent of Excellence: Get the fuck off our planet, you fucking assholes: "Everytime I look at the world at large. The chaos, the hatred, the stupidity, the suffering the greed and lust for power. I think wtf for? B..."

Get the fuck off our planet, you fucking assholes

Everytime I look at the world at large. The chaos, the hatred, the stupidity, the suffering the greed and lust for power. I think wtf for? Because people don't give a fuck. Well I have one thing to say to people who don't give a fuck. When it is you who need the help of your fellow human and no one gives a fuck about you, that means you did it to yourself you fucking asshole. You have been hoist by your own motherfucking petard you stupid asshole.

The world is fucked because people are fucked up selfish assholes who can't think of anyone but themselves. And only by giving a fuck will things change. But the rectal sapiens are too unevolved to understand this. 

The golden rule is golden for a reason. Don't fuck with me and I won't fuck with you. But the rectal sapien will fuck with someone and bitch and moan when karma puts a boot in their ass.

This unevoled chimp doesn't understand the simple meaning of cause and effect. You fuck over someone and more than likely, they will seek to return the favor, in fucking spades 

The rectal sapien is not human, it is a fucking parasite, a bottom feeder who cannot survive without feeding on the blood, sweat and tears of people who work for what they get. Less than a roach. A fruitfly is worth more to the world than you. You fucking disgrace.

Repent your predatory ways before karma gives you a swift kick in the nuts, you amoral jackass. Because people will notice one day "This guy is a total douche" and your game will be over. The reason people become assholes is to protect themsleves from assholes. A vicious cycle of bullshit and butthurt

So that makes a world full of coldblooded, selfish cutthorat assholes trying to shit on each other while dodging turds from other assholes, a planet full of preadators cannibalizing each other. You motherfuckers did it to yourselves and only you can change it, so stop being a selfish prick and do think about someone else for a change.

Stop benifiting from the suffering of others, you fucking asshole! You may think you are the top dog in a dog eats dog world. Motherfuckers need to learn one big fact about life.

There is always a bigger dog, and that bigger dog will eat you and shit you out. And if a bigger dog doesn't show up. The little dogs will grow tired of your bullshit and team up to take your arrogant ass out. 

To be equally as coldblooded and arrogant, if you don't give a fuck about your fellow human, then you shoud get the fuck off our planet you fucking asshole, you're stinking up the place

The Advent of Excellence: Never judge a book by it's cover. I have to be rem...

The Advent of Excellence: Never judge a book by it's cover. I have to be rem...: "I was going to the doctor and had to use transportation. I get the same lady I had the last time as transportation. A large outspoken black ..."

Never judge a book by it's cover. I have to be reminded sometimes of that

I was going to the doctor and had to use transportation. I get the same lady I had the last time as transportation. A large outspoken black woman. The second to last time I rode with her, I metioned that I had microbraids and she had a look of disapproval on her face.

I mistook it as homophobia. I rode with her the second time today and we ended up talking about her gay and lesbian friends. I cautiously spoke with her about it, and she ended up being real open minded and friendly towards LGBT people.

She gave me sage advice and I learned not to judge a book by it's cover, again. 

The Advent of Excellence: I reject my humanity

The Advent of Excellence: I reject my humanity: "I'm tired of being judged on my skin color, my sexuality, my nationality, my birth sex or other things I have no control over. I'm tired o..."

I reject my humanity

I'm tired of being judged on my skin color, my sexuality, my nationality, my birth sex or other things I have no control over.

I'm tired of hatred. I'm tired of subjugation. I'm tired of the suffering and the death of millions for no reason. I'm tired of millions being oppressed because of misunderstood messages from a old book. I'm tired of people oppressing others because they are different from them. I'm sick and tired of it all

There is no reason for humans to do what they do. Humanity is like a destructive beast that is rapidly consuming itself.
There is no rhyme or reason for this travesty. People do it because they enjoy the death and destruction, they enjoy the pain and suffering.

They just want to see the world burn.


This needs to stop. It all needs to stop goddammit. Why can't we get along? Why can't we care about people? Why can't we just put or differences aside and just act like civilized people? Why can't you all see what this is doing to the world? You are all destroying the world by being selfish assholes. You are all at fault. Whenever you harm another or let them suffer, you are being a selfish asssole.

 If this is human, then I reject my humanity.

A world Federation

There is always a tug of war going on about the importance of self vs the importance of the many. Capitalism and Socialism are two sides of the same coin. Capitalism is focuses on the individual while socialism focuses on the many.

The flaw of individualism is that it breeds selfishness and the less fortunate in a individualistic society are crushed underfoot by the wealthy. The flaw of a socialistic society is the overwhelming focus of the many over the one. This focus stifles and stagnates creativity. There is no push to excel, just to do well enough

The perfect society in my eyes is one that can focus on the self and the many. Where there is benefit to help the many and the one. 

This is the reason for a world federation. A world federation could address the needs of the many and the one. A united federation of world states could address their own internal issues while coming together to work on global problems. 

Global issues which fester like a infection now would be stamped out by cooperation. Pandemics, fugitives, kidnappings, world hunger, the ecosystem and other pains could be addressed by the entire world instead of years of bickering from sovereign states that result in nothing being done.

And the human atrocities would become a thing of the past. No more genocide, no more wars, no more oppression. Because every state would answer to every state.

But every state could have it's own say in it's territory as long as it doesn't harm one's human rights 

We need to become one people and still be one. This is not a contradiction. It's what will save us from ourselves. 

The Advent of Excellence: The Solution to All The World's Problems Is Love a...

The Advent of Excellence: The Solution to All The World's Problems Is Love a...: "Is love and compassion. It sounds corny, but it's true. There is a critical lack of compassion in this world. The reason millions suffer and..."

The Solution to All The World's Problems Is Love and Compassion

Is love and compassion. It sounds corny, but it's true. There is a critical lack of compassion in this world. The reason millions suffer and starve is because no one cares enough to help them. 

If more people were loving and kind, they would assist their fellow human and everyone would be happier. If the richest and wealthiest helped others, then the kindness and love would radiate throughout humanity.

The problem with humanitarian crisis isn't a lack of funds. It's a hoarding of funds. If people shared what they didn't need, then less people would starve and die from preventable illness.

The cause of humanity's plights are humans being selfish assholes. The cure is Love and Compassion.

The Ghost and The Darkness: The Shadow Falls

My teen years were the most troubled times of my life. I started going through puberty, my voice deepened and I started getting moody. My shrink prescribed me Depakote and that caused me to gain a massive amount of weight. The meds caused me to have such a massive appetite that I would eat until I threw up and I would still be hungry.

Another side effect of the meds I took was breast growth. I was ridiculed and teased my whole youth because of it. I was called names like "Mr Breastman" all the time and made a song about it. I was so bothered by it as a pre-teen and teenager that I began to wear a heavy winter vest to school and never went swimming. The cruel kids and adults started calling me "Vestman" afterwards.

By this time I am very confused sexually and am torn up about it. I never heard of bisexuality at this time so I started fearing that I am gay. I started asking myself  "How can I be gay if I am sexually attracted to women?" My pain and suffering grew worse as the family started to abuse me physically, mentally and emotionally.

I then attempted suicide by taking pain pills. A family member stopped me only to beat me afterwards.

During this time I went in and out of psych wards. The people in the psych wards tried to drill in my head that my family's problems were my fault and mine alone. This traumatic experience added to the shame of my sexuality caused me to feel that the world and my family would be better off without me, and so I attempted suicide in a closet by hanging myself while I thought everyone was gone.

I was found in the closet and cut down and promptly beat

The Ghost and The Darkness: Start of Darkness

My early childhood was a happy one. I was praised for my intellect and my willingness to help others. I was a overachiever and a straight A student. I was intelligent enough to do my schoolwork and help everyone in my class at the same time. I was also a speed reader and could easily read and remember whole text books aloud in mere minutes.   

I wasn't arrogant or anything. I believed myself normal. As a child I saw being praised for my above average intellect as normal. I believed that my level of intelligence was normal. I was a avid church goer as well. I was happy to attend sunday mass every week. But even then I had a hard time doing as the other church goers did. 

In a black baptist church. Things are expected to get loud and exciting. People are expected to stand up and dance in great joy. I did nothing of the sort. I simply watched and listened. I begin to doubt the power of my belief, even as a young child. I didn't "feel the presence of the holy ghost" as the others did. I didn't have the urge to stand up and dance in joy, and that made me worry.

I believed in God, but as a child I didn't understand why I didn't feel what the others felt. I asked preacher after preacher the question and they were only annoyed at the small child who asked too many questions. So I read the bible instead.

Once I reached the age of around 10 I started noticing things. I realized I was different from others. They coveted expensive clothing while I shunned it. They shunned intellect while I coveted it. They had a list of behaviors that was considered undesirable that I had and I didn't see the problem.

Then the heavy duty stuff came up. I once over heard some kids talking about someone being a "punk" "funny" and "faggot". Me being the curious kid back then asked a adult what those words meant. I received the typical religious explanation and was told that those people go to hell.

This greatly troubled me. Ever since I was a small child I knew I was attracted to boys and girls and always wished I would wake up a girl. From then on till adulthood I would fear hell.

Prologue: The Ghost and The Darkness

I used to be very jealous of the people who recieved help from friends, family and other allies while I faced the darkness alone as a child. Even as a adult, I burned with jealousy and disdain of media darlings  because this victim who everyone loved and wanted to rescue, while I was a ghost to everyone.  But now I look at it in a different way.

I am not and will never be lovable. I will not ever have a legion of friends or people fighting each other to rescue me. I can only depend on myself in the end. The simple fact that I am still alive is testament to my ability to fight for myself. I need to fight alone because that is how it's meant to be. The darlings who won people over to help them need that help. They are not powerful enough to stand against the storm alone and they are no lesser because of that

People are different. I'm writing about my experiences in life and how I got to this in life to serve as a warning and a lesson of what happens if parents and teachers ignore the cries of their children for help. I will also write about the gradual damage to my life and mind caused by the abuses I experienced and how that damage affects my life to this day.

I sincerely hope that my writings help someone. The Ghost and The Darkness will truly be a Advent of Excellence.

The Sage's Inscriptions

Thinking of trying to write again. The thing is that the smallest bit of stress leaves me a incompetent mess of nerves. I need to find a way to relieve stress before writing. 

I know I'm good enough to hang in there with the best. I know I'm skilled enough to write things people will want to read. I also know some writers spend years trying to defeat a block, like I've been doing. 

I know that some of the reasons I try to do what I can is wrong. I want fame, I want people to respect me for my skill. I want to stand in the halls of the greatest of all time and be lionized for my skill in my craft.

I want to be a household name that's used in everyday speech. I want to be revered for my abilities much in the same way that Muhammad Ali was for boxing, Bruce Lee was for martial arts or MLK was for imspiring hope.

I want glory. I want fame. I want greatness. I want to write lasting pieces that will become norm in schools to read. I want to have a legion of unwashed fans wanting to sell their soul for my next book. I want to influence the future greats with my works.

I want to bring a tear to the deity's eye from the greatness of my works and have it come down to give me five.

And I know I'm capable of greatness. I just need to conquer my inner devils and break the chains that hold me down to mediocrity.

But there are non selfish reasons for me wanting to become a writer. If I were famous, I would matter in the eyes of the populous. My words would actually carry weight. I could use my influence to push things on the right track. I could bring the light to the people fighting injustice overshadowed by the Snookies and Charlie Sheens of the world.

It is simply much easier to do things when you are rich and famous

The Poison Of Negativity

One of my most infamous personality traits is my negativity. I've been told I suck the joy out of a room when I walk. I've been learning the cost of being negative. People like being around happy people because positivity and negativity are contagious. And no one wants someone's negativity getting on them, so they avoid.

If one is negative most of the time, that affects their resolve when they try to succeed, which causes them to fail. 

I guess that should be considered my 4th goal. To not be negative. I won't be firing sunshine out of my ass anytime soon, but I can follow the old saying. "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all"

Walking Off The Beaten Path

I was wondering. If Siddartha Gautama went to learn under many different wise people to find wisdom, then is it wrong if I do the same? I'm at a point in life where I want to explore different faiths and beliefs in order to find my path. I do not fit in 100% with any religion. And I usually take in beliefs that match me. People call that cherry picking.

I ask, is that a bad thing? Shouldn't cherry picking be a good thing? If certain cherries do not help me at all, then why should I pick them? This is why I like the new age. The new age encourages you to pick the cherries you need and leave the ones that serve no purpose. I want to find knowledge and to fine tune my lens to see clearly.

I do not see a point in following any religion simply because I'm being directed down a pre-chosen path. I feel that I have to find my own path and my own knowledge. I have no problem taking parts of different religions that are relevant to me.

We all walk a different path I feel and we need to find our own answers, not a one size fits all spirituality. 

The Advent of Excellence: Thawing The Cold Heart

The Advent of Excellence: Thawing The Cold Heart: "I'm starting to realize that watching daily horror on the news while dealing with a cruddy life is making me jaded, bitter and cold. ..."

Thawing The Cold Heart

I'm starting to realize that watching daily horror on the news while  dealing with a cruddy life is making me jaded, bitter and cold.

The worse thing is that I'm beginning to prefer this over depression and despair.

I almost rather feel nothing than sorrow.

I see murder, death and oppression everyday. Unlike the majority of people, I actually have massive amounts of empathy for my fellow living beings, which means I feel for them like I knew them. Reading about genocide, mothers killing their own, torture, natural disasters, and pure hatred is taking it's tool on me.  

I see why people are apathetic towards others now. Because caring about the world is bound to drive one insane. If the world is like a close sibling to you, then seeing millions of your brothers and sisters dying every day is bound to drive you to the brink. I see now my problem. I'm not evil, quite the opposite. I'm too kind and caring and seeing people suffer everyday is taking it's toll on me.  I know why I chose to help people when I was a child. Because I care.

But I care too much. Seeing a sibling die millions of times. Seeing a mother die over and over again. I can't stand it. It's not like they all died of natural causes. My family died from things that did not need to happen. Needless violence, lack of food and medicine, war and many other pointless atrocities. I even care for the people that harm me and in my mind , it's pure stupidity, but my heart says otherwise. I can't be something I'm not. I can't play the wicked vindicator anymore. I'm a goody goody. I am compassionate. And I care for the world, and every single person in it. My bitterness and hatred cannot dictate who I am anymore, because it's driving me to my demise. I believe this world can be saved from humans by humans.

I will become the child again. The child who helped people just because it was the right thing to do, without wanting a reward. I will never raise my hand in rage ever again, but only to protect the ones I love. I will be the old me, which was the real me. Vengence will never sate my undying thirst, because I do not really want vengence. I want love. I want the world to be filled with love and happiness. Nothing less than that will satify me and I'm willing to die to make it happen.

Feeling sorrow for the world is a good thing I see. That proves I'm alive and not dead inside. I need to calm my heart and not let fury and indignation rule me. I plot, I plan and I dictate.

Macho Bullshit: It's what's for dinner

This is bar none the most poisonious thing being force fed to mankind and human males in particular. In our culture today intelligence, empaty and and compassion is shunned by the human race. Last I heard, intelligence, empathy and compassion is what seperated us from the beasts.

Getting wasted is celebrated while making good grades is shunned. Being a violent woman beating asshole is considered normal while being sensitive is "gay"

Being intelligent, empathetic and compassionate is what saved us from the forces of nature, it saved us from the plague and it saved us all from macho scum many times.

I feel that we should foster these attributes and remove the attributes the knuckledraggers hold so near and dear and since they want to be animals, we should lock them in cages like animals.

The world was improved by kind and sensesitive men who wanted to help their fellow instead of kick each other's ass and beat their chests like cavemen.

These jocks are helping no one, not even themselves

Real men need to take back and redefine what it means to be a man. Because being a brain dead animal isn't it.

The Battleplan

Now for a while I've been thinking of why I came up short in the activism department. One was my lack of education, two was being swamped by personal issues.

And three was that there are no shining examples of activism where I live and no one cares.

In a state where the majority of LGBT are forced in the closet eternal and the few that are out tend to be horribly abused, murdered and discriminated against. No one cares about LGBT rights down here. We are all isolated down here majorly. The only LGBT places down here are bars anc clubs.

 So the only way for me to become a activist is to leave this state(Which I already plan to do) or to grab attention in a truly epic way so that my name is on everyone's lips.

I have figured out that the simplest way is to stage a attention grabbing protest. But down here that will most likely result in getting stomped by the police.

It's time for me to do what I do best. I have no decent charisma and cannot give speeches like MLK. I cannot inspire others to rise up, so it would be pointless to try.

What I am good at is planning and plotting. A good plan is just as important as good oration skills. A plotted course to victory is just as effective as any inspiring presence.

In the body of justice, a great speech giver is like the sharpest sword against the darkness, a inspiring presence is like a sheild against the mightiest blow from oppression.

And a mastermind is the strategist plotting vicotry against the tyrannical forces of hatred.

I am genius personified, and I will not use my voice. I will not use my presence. I will use my mind.

My sharpest weapon in my arsenal.

The LGBT appeal to New Age Spirituality and Religion

A lot of people ask this question and I felt like giving my own opinion on the subject. From my experience. LGBT people are just as spiritual or religious as anyone else. They get pushed out of their home religions because they cannot reconcile the differences between their beliefs and themselves. I used to be Chirstian for example. But we do not stop believing or being spirtual because of this and find atheism to be undesireable for ourselves.

We long for a spiritual place to call home. A place to feel wanted and a place to belong. We long for a spiritual community to join.

That is why a lot of us seek the new age. The new age in general is extermely welcoming and accepting of differences. The new age holds love, commpassion and understanding over tradition, dogma and intolerence.  It is fluid and everchanging like myself instead of rigid like most other religions.

The new age guides me by fosters my compassion and love instead of by fear and threats of damnation.  The new age encorages me to befriend all people of the world and celebrate our differences instead of being their enemy and cursing their differences from me. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel free. I am free to be all of who I am. I can be Saige Verbena Morada, woman, mystic and scholar.

Soon enough I will have no need for double lives. For my spiritualiy is in tune with my being

Ponderings: All things in moderation

I posted a lil while ago about me being unsure about being involved in civil rights. I realized my folly besides not being educated well enough for my quest. I have fully immersed myself into the fight and by doing that I lost sight of myself. 

Sometimes we all need to step back from the fight and live our own lives. The sad thing for me is that besides activism, I don't have much to live for. I have lived for other people since I was a child.

I will not quit the fight, but I have to make a life of my own besides living to help others. I need my own reason to live.