Thawing The Cold Heart

I'm starting to realize that watching daily horror on the news while  dealing with a cruddy life is making me jaded, bitter and cold.

The worse thing is that I'm beginning to prefer this over depression and despair.

I almost rather feel nothing than sorrow.

I see murder, death and oppression everyday. Unlike the majority of people, I actually have massive amounts of empathy for my fellow living beings, which means I feel for them like I knew them. Reading about genocide, mothers killing their own, torture, natural disasters, and pure hatred is taking it's tool on me.  

I see why people are apathetic towards others now. Because caring about the world is bound to drive one insane. If the world is like a close sibling to you, then seeing millions of your brothers and sisters dying every day is bound to drive you to the brink. I see now my problem. I'm not evil, quite the opposite. I'm too kind and caring and seeing people suffer everyday is taking it's toll on me.  I know why I chose to help people when I was a child. Because I care.

But I care too much. Seeing a sibling die millions of times. Seeing a mother die over and over again. I can't stand it. It's not like they all died of natural causes. My family died from things that did not need to happen. Needless violence, lack of food and medicine, war and many other pointless atrocities. I even care for the people that harm me and in my mind , it's pure stupidity, but my heart says otherwise. I can't be something I'm not. I can't play the wicked vindicator anymore. I'm a goody goody. I am compassionate. And I care for the world, and every single person in it. My bitterness and hatred cannot dictate who I am anymore, because it's driving me to my demise. I believe this world can be saved from humans by humans.

I will become the child again. The child who helped people just because it was the right thing to do, without wanting a reward. I will never raise my hand in rage ever again, but only to protect the ones I love. I will be the old me, which was the real me. Vengence will never sate my undying thirst, because I do not really want vengence. I want love. I want the world to be filled with love and happiness. Nothing less than that will satify me and I'm willing to die to make it happen.

Feeling sorrow for the world is a good thing I see. That proves I'm alive and not dead inside. I need to calm my heart and not let fury and indignation rule me. I plot, I plan and I dictate.