The Ghost and The Darkness: Start of Darkness

My early childhood was a happy one. I was praised for my intellect and my willingness to help others. I was a overachiever and a straight A student. I was intelligent enough to do my schoolwork and help everyone in my class at the same time. I was also a speed reader and could easily read and remember whole text books aloud in mere minutes.   

I wasn't arrogant or anything. I believed myself normal. As a child I saw being praised for my above average intellect as normal. I believed that my level of intelligence was normal. I was a avid church goer as well. I was happy to attend sunday mass every week. But even then I had a hard time doing as the other church goers did. 

In a black baptist church. Things are expected to get loud and exciting. People are expected to stand up and dance in great joy. I did nothing of the sort. I simply watched and listened. I begin to doubt the power of my belief, even as a young child. I didn't "feel the presence of the holy ghost" as the others did. I didn't have the urge to stand up and dance in joy, and that made me worry.

I believed in God, but as a child I didn't understand why I didn't feel what the others felt. I asked preacher after preacher the question and they were only annoyed at the small child who asked too many questions. So I read the bible instead.

Once I reached the age of around 10 I started noticing things. I realized I was different from others. They coveted expensive clothing while I shunned it. They shunned intellect while I coveted it. They had a list of behaviors that was considered undesirable that I had and I didn't see the problem.

Then the heavy duty stuff came up. I once over heard some kids talking about someone being a "punk" "funny" and "faggot". Me being the curious kid back then asked a adult what those words meant. I received the typical religious explanation and was told that those people go to hell.

This greatly troubled me. Ever since I was a small child I knew I was attracted to boys and girls and always wished I would wake up a girl. From then on till adulthood I would fear hell.