So far in my life, I've been vilified for a assortment of reasons. And at the same time seen many people hurt others lionized. Criminals, drug dealers, really bad people. At first, I truly believed I was a bad person because people told me so, but now I see that I am a good person, it's just that a lot of people don't value good people.
Now I'm getting to the point where doing good causes me pain, like I am being punished for it. Might be my imagination, but it's starting to feel like that doing bad things and being a bad person gains you acceptance and loved ones.
However false that acceptance and love may be.
So the question has presented itself to me multiple times. Do I cross over to what I see as the "Dark Side" to free myself from pain and gain the acceptance I've chased after since I was a child? The question is a very difficult one. What these people who are loved by others do abhors me. I cannot comprehende not caring about people. The fact that humans can be so selfish and uncaring sickens me to the core. But the dilemma is that I am tired of being a outcast, and a shallow existence with false friends starts to look more enticing than standing up for what I believe in and suffering the entire time.
I know myself. I would never be happy living the lives of these people. I cannot stand to see people suffer. I cannot stand to see injustice, and I hate the fact that I am punished for fighting injustice and fighting for peace in this world. I love the world and hate how it is ran at the same time. And to be honest, I hate these people who attack the people who did good in this world. I see these humans as the same who shot Gandhi, MLK and other people who dared defy the world to make it better.
While these people inspire me, they also dishearten me as well. These powerful people who rose above the common person paid with their lives and lived a life full of conflict to stand up for what they believe in.
The second question I guess is:
Am I ready to fight to the bitter end for what I know is right?
You aren't the only person struggling with the notion that crappy people seem to get by more easily in life. That they avoid pain and garner success and accolades from others. But you have to ask yourself: is that kind of acceptance worth having?
ReplyDeleteI think that, struggling with acceptance is something that happens to each person, though on different levels based on one's circumstances, obviously. I think that it is good to try to take stock of one's self and one's convictions, then seek out those who will embrace those qualities and arguments wholeheartedly, so you can struggle against those who do NOT with more confidence and a sense of safety and support.
Which is not to say that it's best to simply surround yourself with people just like you and be done with it, but it is definitely valuable to have people in your life that share your vision of the world. It also helps if those people are willfully growing and changing, so that as they struggle with new ideas they can talk to you for support, and vice versa. Changing who you are from a position of strength, hope, and support is ultimately more likely to succeed than a forced, uncomfortable change in a bid to gain support.
It takes time and it's hard. Start from a position of honesty with yourself, and with those successes you may find the strength to confront false friends with honesty. If they disappear, then what have you lost? A burden. The burden of keeping up appearances for someone who would not accept you for yourself. It is obviously still hard to lose connections, because we thrive on the habit of our social lives. This process is not a revolution that happens overnight. It's not an epiphany and a sudden transformation to superheroism. It is one day at a time. It is one decision at a time. Relish each time you are honest. Do not beat yourself up if you sacrifice honesty for social safety, but instead honestly assess your motives for avoiding. Let these moments come to you as they may, and you may find that it becomes a new habit.
Good luck.