Walking Off The Beaten Path

I was wondering. If Siddartha Gautama went to learn under many different wise people to find wisdom, then is it wrong if I do the same? I'm at a point in life where I want to explore different faiths and beliefs in order to find my path. I do not fit in 100% with any religion. And I usually take in beliefs that match me. People call that cherry picking.

I ask, is that a bad thing? Shouldn't cherry picking be a good thing? If certain cherries do not help me at all, then why should I pick them? This is why I like the new age. The new age encourages you to pick the cherries you need and leave the ones that serve no purpose. I want to find knowledge and to fine tune my lens to see clearly.

I do not see a point in following any religion simply because I'm being directed down a pre-chosen path. I feel that I have to find my own path and my own knowledge. I have no problem taking parts of different religions that are relevant to me.

We all walk a different path I feel and we need to find our own answers, not a one size fits all spirituality. 

The Advent of Excellence: Thawing The Cold Heart

The Advent of Excellence: Thawing The Cold Heart: "I'm starting to realize that watching daily horror on the news while dealing with a cruddy life is making me jaded, bitter and cold. ..."

Thawing The Cold Heart

I'm starting to realize that watching daily horror on the news while  dealing with a cruddy life is making me jaded, bitter and cold.

The worse thing is that I'm beginning to prefer this over depression and despair.

I almost rather feel nothing than sorrow.

I see murder, death and oppression everyday. Unlike the majority of people, I actually have massive amounts of empathy for my fellow living beings, which means I feel for them like I knew them. Reading about genocide, mothers killing their own, torture, natural disasters, and pure hatred is taking it's tool on me.  

I see why people are apathetic towards others now. Because caring about the world is bound to drive one insane. If the world is like a close sibling to you, then seeing millions of your brothers and sisters dying every day is bound to drive you to the brink. I see now my problem. I'm not evil, quite the opposite. I'm too kind and caring and seeing people suffer everyday is taking it's toll on me.  I know why I chose to help people when I was a child. Because I care.

But I care too much. Seeing a sibling die millions of times. Seeing a mother die over and over again. I can't stand it. It's not like they all died of natural causes. My family died from things that did not need to happen. Needless violence, lack of food and medicine, war and many other pointless atrocities. I even care for the people that harm me and in my mind , it's pure stupidity, but my heart says otherwise. I can't be something I'm not. I can't play the wicked vindicator anymore. I'm a goody goody. I am compassionate. And I care for the world, and every single person in it. My bitterness and hatred cannot dictate who I am anymore, because it's driving me to my demise. I believe this world can be saved from humans by humans.

I will become the child again. The child who helped people just because it was the right thing to do, without wanting a reward. I will never raise my hand in rage ever again, but only to protect the ones I love. I will be the old me, which was the real me. Vengence will never sate my undying thirst, because I do not really want vengence. I want love. I want the world to be filled with love and happiness. Nothing less than that will satify me and I'm willing to die to make it happen.

Feeling sorrow for the world is a good thing I see. That proves I'm alive and not dead inside. I need to calm my heart and not let fury and indignation rule me. I plot, I plan and I dictate.

Macho Bullshit: It's what's for dinner

This is bar none the most poisonious thing being force fed to mankind and human males in particular. In our culture today intelligence, empaty and and compassion is shunned by the human race. Last I heard, intelligence, empathy and compassion is what seperated us from the beasts.

Getting wasted is celebrated while making good grades is shunned. Being a violent woman beating asshole is considered normal while being sensitive is "gay"

Being intelligent, empathetic and compassionate is what saved us from the forces of nature, it saved us from the plague and it saved us all from macho scum many times.

I feel that we should foster these attributes and remove the attributes the knuckledraggers hold so near and dear and since they want to be animals, we should lock them in cages like animals.

The world was improved by kind and sensesitive men who wanted to help their fellow instead of kick each other's ass and beat their chests like cavemen.

These jocks are helping no one, not even themselves

Real men need to take back and redefine what it means to be a man. Because being a brain dead animal isn't it.

The Battleplan

Now for a while I've been thinking of why I came up short in the activism department. One was my lack of education, two was being swamped by personal issues.

And three was that there are no shining examples of activism where I live and no one cares.

In a state where the majority of LGBT are forced in the closet eternal and the few that are out tend to be horribly abused, murdered and discriminated against. No one cares about LGBT rights down here. We are all isolated down here majorly. The only LGBT places down here are bars anc clubs.

 So the only way for me to become a activist is to leave this state(Which I already plan to do) or to grab attention in a truly epic way so that my name is on everyone's lips.

I have figured out that the simplest way is to stage a attention grabbing protest. But down here that will most likely result in getting stomped by the police.

It's time for me to do what I do best. I have no decent charisma and cannot give speeches like MLK. I cannot inspire others to rise up, so it would be pointless to try.

What I am good at is planning and plotting. A good plan is just as important as good oration skills. A plotted course to victory is just as effective as any inspiring presence.

In the body of justice, a great speech giver is like the sharpest sword against the darkness, a inspiring presence is like a sheild against the mightiest blow from oppression.

And a mastermind is the strategist plotting vicotry against the tyrannical forces of hatred.

I am genius personified, and I will not use my voice. I will not use my presence. I will use my mind.

My sharpest weapon in my arsenal.

The LGBT appeal to New Age Spirituality and Religion

A lot of people ask this question and I felt like giving my own opinion on the subject. From my experience. LGBT people are just as spiritual or religious as anyone else. They get pushed out of their home religions because they cannot reconcile the differences between their beliefs and themselves. I used to be Chirstian for example. But we do not stop believing or being spirtual because of this and find atheism to be undesireable for ourselves.

We long for a spiritual place to call home. A place to feel wanted and a place to belong. We long for a spiritual community to join.

That is why a lot of us seek the new age. The new age in general is extermely welcoming and accepting of differences. The new age holds love, commpassion and understanding over tradition, dogma and intolerence.  It is fluid and everchanging like myself instead of rigid like most other religions.

The new age guides me by fosters my compassion and love instead of by fear and threats of damnation.  The new age encorages me to befriend all people of the world and celebrate our differences instead of being their enemy and cursing their differences from me. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel free. I am free to be all of who I am. I can be Saige Verbena Morada, woman, mystic and scholar.

Soon enough I will have no need for double lives. For my spiritualiy is in tune with my being

Ponderings: All things in moderation

I posted a lil while ago about me being unsure about being involved in civil rights. I realized my folly besides not being educated well enough for my quest. I have fully immersed myself into the fight and by doing that I lost sight of myself. 

Sometimes we all need to step back from the fight and live our own lives. The sad thing for me is that besides activism, I don't have much to live for. I have lived for other people since I was a child.

I will not quit the fight, but I have to make a life of my own besides living to help others. I need my own reason to live.

Ponderings: Grief

I feel that this is the major thing that harms my life and cripples my ability to do anything. A long time ago. I was loved and looked up to. I was considered a prodigy and everyone had words of praise for me on their lips.  I did volunteer work and was thanked by the people I helped. The family loved me and believed I would make them proud.

I was a damn hero to those around me. And then I lost it all. To cut a long story short, a number of horrifying events turned that loving kind do-gooder into what I am now. I have a repugnant personality, no one wants to be around me and people hate my guts.

I long for the old days when I was a hero. my mind is preoccupied with reclaiming what was once mine. I actually love helping people, but now I am preoccupied with trying to be loved again.

Dreams of my past glory haunt me. I guess the glory days haunt everyone who's lost status like I have.

My only hope in life is to leave the glory days behind. And forge a new idenity 

Ponderings: Jealousy

I have a habit of being jealous of people who appears to be "Better off" than I. My depression and my misfortune in life has led me to be a bitter person. I see people with many friends and then I look at myself and I have few friends. I see people being celebrated while I am shunned and rejected.

Jealousy is a poison that eats someone's soul to the core. I know this. I know that the grass is always greener on the other side and people are probably jealous of me. I don't see what I have that people want.

But I do know that jealousy can chew one's life up and crap it out.  

So no matter what, I must not give into these feelings.

I now know why I had problems living the Buddhist life

I simply wasn't living it and wasn't trying. I am still living in excess. I still lived the life of greed and envy. I wasn't trying. The reason I couldn't meditate properly was because I had music, tv or games blasting in the background. 

And the reason I had trouble with the urges of the matterial was because I placed too much importance on the material and surrounded myself with the material.

I've been reading http://zenhabits.net/ and slowly trying to makes these habits mine. The first thing I did was clean my room. I will slowly add more as time passes by.